Lonely Dreamer (In My Mind)

As I fade to black
I’m left cold
Like day old pizza
On the stove
Left over food
On the back burner
So it doesn’t get in the way
Of the fresh stuff
Being cooked today
Like forgotten heroes
Home from war
Returning to a world
Worse off
Than it was before
They left
Whats left
Of my soul
But residue
Remnants of what
Used to be
Aint nothing left but
Memories
So I dream
I escape to my
Lonely universe
In my mind
Trying to find
Explanation of my existence
My purpose
Or lack there of
From above
I look fine
But you’ll never know
Whats inside
My mind
Until you travel to the world
Of this lonely dreamer
I dont need structure
Random thoughts float
Like dead fish
I dont need shoes
Cuz I dont walk here
All I do is dream
Lost in the
Atmosphere
In the back of my mind
My World
My planet
My Universe
It self destructed
So many times
And each time
I travel back to
Reconstruct it
But I’m gettin weaker
As these cuts get deeper
Vision gettin blury
I can hardly see
I cant even describe
The image
Of me
I don’t know who I am
Anymore
But here it doesn’t matter
Nobody has a face
Just a thought
Floatin around
A sea of thoughts
Like ink blots
Based on interpretation
Contemplation
Of this manifestation
Will leave you
lost
Like no map
Can’t go back
Cuz I forgot to drop
My breadcrumbs
To find my way home
I’m alone
With no guide to show me
Where I started
BrokenHearted
Left for dead
I wish I could
Get outside my
Head
I followed shiny objects
Thinkin it was all good
But i learned
Its not
Whats it like
To be on top
I wish I knew
But I’ve been floatin
In this sea
Of hell
Where negativity
And past thoughts
Dwell
Trapped in this
Prison we call life
Tryin to find right
Amongst All this
Wrong
Im long gone
I hope I can be
saved
To escape
This maze
Of a mind
Just a loney dreamer
Like a hopeless
Romantic
Can’t panic
Can’t lose my
Breath
Cuz the only thing
Left
Is
Death
If tomorrow
Ever comes
Maybe by then
I’ll be fine
But until that
Time
I’ll just stay
Lost
In my mind

A lonely Dreamer

My Life in a Nutshell

So, for the past week and a half, I haven’t been eating. I guess when you tell yourself enough times that you aren’t hungry, you finally start to believe it. Or maybe you just come to terms with the fact that you aren’t going to eat. This has been happening a lot lately…then I get sick and go on these binges and eat everything I can get my hands on.  Well, now that I look at it in writing, this sounds like the beginning of an eating disorder…

At any rate, I’ll just choose to be in denial. Yes, I chose to be…

Life can be crazy sometimes. Sometimes you sit down and realize whats going on in your life, or rather whats not going on and you have that what the fuck moment. Thats been happening a lot lately. I wouldn’t even call it an epiphany because its been as clear as day. I need to get my life together.

I just went on this rant on twitter..sending multiple tweets in a row. I dont really know why, but I just did and now I’m like oh well. I hate to be in the I dont care state of mind but…well…I dont care. I cant care. I dont know what caring is. See cuz the things I care about(ok yes I do care about some things) never seem to work out the way I planned. It’s kind of discouraging I guess you can say. But, like everyone will say,

It wouldn’t bother you if you didn’t care so much

Ah, Oh well.

I’ve been having these mind spills and just start talking or typing about random things. Like now. Thats exactly how I used to be and I never knew why. Well, now I know. The less you talk, the more you type. Its not always a bad thing. Well, until I realized that when I finally talk, I talk like a type…which is pretty random with multiple pauses….

My life in a nutshell.

You’re born, You Live,You Try To Die, Live More, Try Again, Then Just wait.

Long Live The King

Pinocchio Stories

Look into my face
And watch my nose grow
But I’m not tellin lies
Instead truth flows
Except when I say I’m ok
Cuz thats not the way I felt today
Or yesterday….

Shit…

I guess I really dont feel that way
Anymore

I used to get happy
Just thinkin
You’d walk through the door

Now i’m stuck in an
Emotional contradiction
Like regret
And satisfaction

Im lost

See you were the one
Who helped me find
Who I am..

So why am I being destroyed
Deployed
Shipped out
Dropped off
And left alone

I just wanna be a real boy

These aint real emotions
Its fake

Can’t nothin replace
A real life
A real love

My love
Ours

I just wanna be a real boy

And experience this
Feeling they call love
This
Overpowering
Overwhelming
Make my knees weak
Can’t speak
Feeling they call love

I just wanna be a real boy

Instead I fill the void
With this…
…other shit

Fake shit
Cant make me smile shit
This…
Can do without shit

Oh I can just imagine
What it would be like
To be a real boy

To get rid of these strings
These…
Material things

These..

I seen it on MTV
Gotta have it things

These…things
That keep me from you
That keep me from whats
True…

….fuck

I just wanna be a real boy

In love
No strings attached
No past on my back
only future ahead

Instead

Im lost in this maze
We call life
And
No matter how hard I try
I’ll never know
What it feels like

To be a real boy….

Well

Im on…

This my scene..

…let me tighten my strings

-sigh-